PANTY HOSE AND BEAR PROBLEMS

Bears.  Already the problems start, and it's only April.  Cant wait till July.  Aggghhh.  The phone started ringing tonight. Frantic and angry subdivision caretaker.  Bear's been in three cabins in 24 hours.  Bears are not supposed to be problems this early in the year. Their digestive system has been shut down all winter, and when they wake up, it normally takes a few months of vegetation only diet before they start eating human type food, but this year, for some reason, things are early. That means problems are here early also.

Problem bears always make me think of a couple of notable bear incidents in which I have had the dubious honor of being involved over the past few years.

I was called to a bear problem about ten miles south of town - the bear had been raiding cabins for about a month, and was finally to the point of no return.  So, I hooked up to the trap, and the normal things raced through my mind. "Ok, I need to get this set and notify nearby residences so I don't catch a dog or a kid, by accident- or worse  (They can be deadly!)  Need to get some bait, and run by the store and buy a pair of panty hose."  First stop was the local restaurant where my friend Shawn was working.  I asked her about food scraps, and she said "sure, help yourself." I went to the slop bucket in the kitchen and picked out the most delectable items: Half eaten pancakes,  sausage, and doughnuts and a container of gravy. Should work fine. I told Shawn that I was going to get pantyhose next at the store. (I put the food into the panty hose and tie it to the trigger. The bear will pull on the stocking and set the door, catching himself in the process.)  She said "Gee, mine are torn, why dont you just take them?"  She went into the restroom, and promptly brought me out the pantyhose that she had been wearing.  I said 'Thanks", and went to set the trap.

I set it, and did my thing with the people, then drove back toward town.  I got maybe five miles down the road when the Sheriff's Office dispatch called me on the radio, telling me I had a bear in the trap.  Already?  I turned around, and sure enough, I had caught the marauding mammal.  I hooked onto the trailer, and while driving back to town, I passed the restaurant.  "Why not"? I asked myself. 

I wheeled in and told Shawn:  "Shawn!  (Excitedly),  You would not believe what happened!  I used your panty hose to set the trap, and I was not even back to the truck when down the  hill came the bear at a run!  I had to get out of the way!  It almost bowled me over, ran headfirst into the trap, and "slam!"- the door dropped!  I've never seen anything like it!  And from inside all I heard was grunting and groaning.  Shawn, can I have all your old panty hose?  I 'll sell them to the guys around the state for bear bait!"

I guess it's a good thing there were not many customers in the restaurant.  I had to leave in a hurry anyway.  I think she still blushes when I see her and we share a little smile that's a reminder of our little secret. 

Bears....  More stories to come! 

"Those people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants." - William Penn

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”

— Eric Hoffer

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog thinks I am.

Who could believe in evolution and hold a straight face?